2003.01.12.
-Opening the Door-

Song of the Moment:
Lifehouse <> "Spin"

Well it's been like 4 or 5 hours since the meeting. I think it went over alright. I know I've walked away with something from it. I'm not sure how to explain, but I guess I'll try. I hope what I have to say doesn't upset anyone.

See I'd have liked to share this earlier, I'd have liked to have told her right off when she started saying what she said, but I really couldn't speak, I was loosing my voice (which by the way is better now, I turned the heater off and spent some more time out of the house and drank hot water, lots of water) so I felt kinda useless in that situation. I'll assume she never reads this, and trust that I can bring myself to tell her these things in person when I next see her. I really think I can this time.

It's just that, well for some time now I've felt as if I did something wrong when it comes to Danielle. As if for some reason I was making her want to distance herself from me. We used to hang out all the time in the beginning. Everytime I had a problem, I'd turn around and she'd be there. Everytime I woke up in fear from the things I had just seen, she was there. Everytime I was lonely or sad, she was there. She helped me with the things she said and did. More than anything I wanted to return those feelings. I wanted to help her as much as she helped me, but it seemed like nothing helped. Over the last couple of months we've become distant and I'd wonder if it was something I did or said. I always tried to share with her, what was going on, how I felt, but she never seemed to care, or to listen, and never once told me how she was feeling.

I wanted to know what she was feeling, I wanted to hurt her, I wanted to make her sad, I wanted to make her cry so that I could hold her and tell her everything was alright, the way she held me when I was scared. I just wanted her to show some kind of emotion. But I couldn't do that, because I promised, I promised never to hurt her.

My thoughts made me feel sick, made me hate myself.

But after what she said, now I know it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault. I just want to let her know that she doesn't have to be afraid to share her feelings, she doesn't have to hide anymore. Now that I know why, I feel as if I can help in some way.

I'll try my best.

Right now though I'd like to apologize to two other very important people, Melissa and Becky. I don't know if you've noticed, but lately I've been kinda...well...I've been being stupid. It's just that lately, watching you two come closer...I guess I was kinda jealous because like I said earlier, Danielle and I have become a bit distant. It's childish really. Please forgive me.

And Melissa, I don't think anything you say could ever make me hate you. I love you all so much. Even if you said you wanted rip my arms off, or beat me to death, that feeling would never change, I'd never hate you. Not even if you asked me to.

I had a rather odd dream last night, it was kinda...uh kinda yaoi, but not in a bad way (definitely not like the Trev & Zach dream), but it was pretty confusing. In the beginning I was this girl who lived in a house that had all wood paneling on the inside. I was waiting for someone to come by, some guy, and when he finally came to get me and we left we didn't get far before two other guys started a fight with him because they wanted me. They said whoever won got me. But during the fight I jumped bodies or something and was the guy. I felt as if that were my original form, as if I were just a visitor in the girl's body, for lack of a better way to describe it. I won the fight and the other two gave up, but instead of running back to the girl, who had gotten pissed about the whole fighting over her thing and ran away, I went for a walk. It got dark rather quickly and started to rain. I found one of the guys I had battled beneath a street light standing in the rain, bitter from the defeat. I watched him from behind. Silent figure leaning half-heartedly against the post, short black hair slick and glistening with rain water. His skin was pale in comparison with his rain drenched clothing. I felt as if I would explode, there was something I wanted to tell him so bad. I wanted to tell him I loved him. I walked up to him slowly trying my best to be quiet, but he hear my footsteps in the puddles. He turned abruptly and I instantly leapt at him catching his lips with my own. He was stunned for a minute, and I took the opportunity to slip my tongue into his mouth, but just as I'd done that he realized what was going on and pushed me away. I fell flat on my ass and landed in a puddle, staring up at him hurt, as he whipped his lips and cursed me. I pushed myself back up to my feet and confessed everything to him as he stood there in disbelief. (His name started with an R...like Rogue or something.) He was getting sick from being out in the rain so I asked him to come back to my place so he could dry off. Once we got there I tried to kiss him again and this time he gave in, only asking that I slow down. Then we fell asleep, curled together on a couple of kitchen chairs. Then I jumped bodies again, this time becoming something unhuman, something unformed, something I knew as myself. I was my true self, and I looked over the boys as they rested in each other's arms trying to figure out what it all meant. I don't remember what conclusion I came to, but I know it made me smile.

It was just messed up. Reminds me of the chat we had yesterday about Tobi and Eric running off together. Which, let me say, will NEVER happen! -^__^-

" Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I'm not sure
About anything
But you wouldn't have it any other way
When the world keeps spinning round
My world is upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
Got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing "

---

2003.01.10.
-Taking Care of Business-

Song of the Moment:
Apollo 440 <> "Stop the Rock"

Well this morning I registered my classes. Here's my schedule:

Mondays & Wednesdays:	ART 101 Basic Drawing 8:00 AM - 10:30 AM
	MATH 105 Intermediate Algebra 4:00 PM - 5:15 PM
Tuesdays & Thursdays:	ART 108 2D Concepts 8:00 AM - 10:30 AM
	ART 106 Art Survey 11:00 AM - 12:15AM
	Computer Science Survey of CS 2:00 PM - 3:15PM

I have Fridays off. Not so bad ne? The only grip I have is the time gap on M&Ws. Other then that it's ok.

So I had to make a few phone calls today. Starting at scheduling, my PIN wasn't working so they made me call the PIN office like 5 or 6 times cause the lady kept saying it would work and it didn't, so I was the last one to get started, yet amazingly still the first to finish. Then I had to call my uncle who I don't really know and he told me that my grandparents set up some kind of fund for me. It's tied to the stock market though and right now there's just enough to cover the tuition for the first semester. Apparently I lost over $2000 from it because of the stock market thing. But thing is in order to get the money I have to call him and he has to call them and then it's all forwarded and what not to the school.It's cool though, that's $2800 something I didn't even know I had, so I'm not gonna complain. I still need to find financial aid though, which I'm doing. Yes today I had alot to do. Monday I have to go down with Becky and pay the first instalment (woohoo tour time!) and then call the unemployment office. Lah~dee~da!

Apparently there's a UWM student missing who has 2 left thumbs. Wow.

" Stop the rock
Can't stop the rock
Shake my paranoia
Can't stop the rock "

---

2003.01.09.
-Sing Freedom! FREEDOM! FREEDOM!-

Song of the Moment:
Metallica <> "Hero of the Day"

Well today was weird. I went to work in pain, got to do an easier job, got kissed on the forehead by a truck driver, got made fun of and harassed for wearing my collar, got (indirect) revenge, got let in on a plot for revenge, got laid off...

Yes they laid me off due to lack of work. They said they want me back later though, not that I want to come back. I mean at first it hurt cause I waS like "you keep telling me I'm such a good worker, and you're still saying it while you hand me this piece of paper", but after ten minutes I was very very happy because now I'm free. Hell I was gonna quit in 2 weeks anyway. I think that also factored into why I was on the layoff list, cause they had to lay people off and my boss said now I might have a chance to collect unemployment. Woo hoo I'M FREE! I'M FUCKING FREE!

Tomorrow I go to schedule my courses>

Melissa came and took me over to her house. Her sister made us chicken, it was very good. Arigato Jessy! Then I helped them with the cd burner. I've deducted that Record Now is a piece of crap, and as soon as I can find our old program I'll put it on there for you guys, cause it never did the "oh I hate this file" thing. And Melissa played the song she's composing. very cool. I said she should learn to use the midi making program I gave her, cause then she could put it on her site.

Last night I had a dream that I went to some playground type thing on the edge of an indoor lake. Ok it wasn't really a playground, it was a giant pink ostrich the size of a 6 story building. It was in the position where it's head would be under ground, so it as just the neck and body, and inside the neck was a like tunnel ladder that you climbed to get up into the body part where you stood (like in the ass, cause the ass was facing out to the lake) and looked out over the lake. So I got up there and decided to jump and landed in the lake and all my money flew out of my pockets and just as I was going to pick it up my dog, Jessy, came running through the water at me, which kicked up all the dirt at the bottom and made the water all foggy so I couldn't find and of it.( The water wasn't that deep, like waist high at best, and yet I didn't hurt myself jumping in...)

That's all I remember.

Now I'm finally playing Unison. That's the game that Dani was reading the story for and we were like this is retarded. Well guess what, it is retarded. It's almost as if they're making fun of anime. Like think of the most pointless retarded anime you know and add dancing. Yes there you have it. But for some reason it's slightly addictive...

" But now the dreams
And waking screams
That ever last the night
So build a wall
Behind it crawl
And hide until it's light
So can't you hear your babies crying now?
Mama they try and break me "

---

2003.01.08.
-Itai na no dah-

Song of the Moment:
Staind <> "For You"

Sometimes I feel as if I can totally relate to this song. Hi, today's entry will take an extra long time to type as I have hurt both my hands. I think I strained the muscles, and now they're all bandaged up. *sigh* But Melissa was nice enough to do my chores for me. The dishes can be hell. Then we went shopping for stuff. Like "Melissa's you're gonna eat right" plan.

She came over here so that we could call Dani. They want to clear up the mess. I want to not feel so useless. And the Dude's not helping much at all. "A Real Kid" sure whatever.

I just always kinda feel useless when I hurt myself. I guess that's why I shrug it off. "I'm not sick" or "I'm not hurt" right. It's part not wanting to have to depend on others, part not being able to help another, when I can't even help myself.

AnywaY, I had to walk away from my job today cause grandma was pissing me off so much. So I attempted to vent by yelling at the shoes and bitchiing to my mom. In the end I only felt better after sleeping it off.

Last night I had a dream that I transfered to UWMadison and was rooming with Melissa's room mate, but not in Melissa's room. The room I was in was much bigger, like three rooms combined, and I couldn't have been any higher then the 5th floor, judging by my view out the window. Anyway Melissa's roommate moved out and I was expecting a new one. I noted that all the furniture in the place was mine: a dresser, desk, computer, potted plant, trash can, queen size futon like bed, and a rather large wall mirror. I had just gone shopping and was digging through the stuff I had bought. Along with all my stuff, there was as baby blue jersey with red stitch and writing, that was Dani's. (Not that I could ever see Danielle wearing such a thing) For some reason i had riveted the front of it 4 times and was now panicing trying to get the rivets out and cover the holes so that she wouldn't notice, but then I decided I wanted to try it on. I was standing there in the middle of the main room, topless, in this skirt (it was like a grass skirt, but instead of grass it was made of very fine thin strips of quartz crystal), when my new roommate walked in. I didn't notice her until she made a comment about how weird I was, and that's when I realized I was flashing everyone on the street below (because I had been standing in front of a full wall size window). So embarrassed I covered myself up then took a good look at her. She was kinda heavy set with long wavey, almost curly, blond hair that was pulled back in in a pony tail with a neon green scrunchie. Her facial expression seemed to be perpetually grumpy, and her clothes were dark and baggy with alot of random points of neon green. She threw her bags down and grumbled more about how I was probably a major weirdo as I tried my best to be polite to her. Then it was time to go to bed and I was upset over the fact that I had to share my bed with her, only I referred to it as my "nest" which might even have covered the fact that I had to share my room with her as well. So I pulled my self as far off to the other side of the bed as possible and tried to sleep. That didn't last long, as she managed to bust the bed. It was made half of metal, half wood, and she had busted right thought the wood part, so then there was no where to sleep. The next morning I awoke from the floor in the coner of the room to find that my parents had moved in with me and were cleaning. My new roommate was no where to be found, and I silently prayed that these new arrangements were only temporary, as I went into the left side room to get ready for work. After I had entered the room, I shut the door and turned to find a strange guy standing behind me, as if he had been waiting there for quite some time. I immediately began to panic and he laughed and said the door was open so he let himself in. He explained that he was a guy I had talked to online, who had just transfered to Madison himself. My mind skipped over and over, the only thought that would come to mind was that he was a stalker and now he had me cornered. I slumped back against the wall, feeling a sudden dizzy spell coming on. The guy just waited patiently for me to call him by his name. I stuttered out that I knew it, but that my head was hurting so I couldn't remember and, losing my balance, slid down the wall. He ran to help me and I told him my hands hurt from cleaning (or cleaners or something) and that my head was pounding. He cupped his hands around my half curled fists and I laid my head on his lap, as he curled himself over me, laying his head on my back. Almost instantly I felt better. It felt like I had just discovered a long lost cure to all the pain in the world. Feeling safe and warm, I fell asleep. Later I took him with me to work. I still worked for Sherpa, only it had it's own building, a much bigger, spacer building with lots of over head conveyer belts and what not. I told my grandma that we were gonna go get something to eat and pulled him away with me, she started to follow us and I pulled him faster, jumping onto one of the conveyer belts and ridding it right into one of the production lines. By the time we had run into the blockage, we were several feet up in the air. I told him to jump and then did so myself, but he was too afraid to follow. He just screamed after me "Are you suicidal or something?" My grandma was still following me and I ducked out and broke through the door to the outside (the door had been several glass doors, like the font of a big building usually has, but they were all taped and tarped up and a sign on them said "None shall pass") Breaking into the darkness of the outside I found myself cold and alone, but feeling free. I was lost and scared, but I tried to find my way through the darkness anyway, ducking behind a small tree to wait for the guy to come after me. I knew the people inside would eventually come after me, but I couldn't run because I felt as if I had hurt my leg somehow while landing, so I stayed still.

I woke up then, so I didn't get to find out what happened.

" the silence
is what kills me
I need someone
here to help me
but you don't know
how to listen
and let me make
my decisions
i sit here locked inside my head
remembering everything you said
the silence gets us nowhere
gets us nowhere
way too fast "

---

2003.01.07.
-Nani o desu?-

Song of the Moment:
Red Hot Chili Peppers <> "The Zephyr Song"

Gomen nasai, I updated last night, I just forgot to upload it.

Today I am me. I feel so grounded. Yet deep down I can still feel the shaking of my insecurities.

I almost let my emotions get the better of me. I don't know, today I just felt as if I stood alone, completely and entirely alone. The feeling was empty, almost painful.

Watching everyone with glass eyes, I realized I lost something precious. Tell me, where are you right now? What are you thinking? How can you feel?

Today I hate myself for feeling this way. I'm not alone, I have wonderful friends, people who truly care for me. I should smile. I should be happy.

Yet I'm still frowning.


Hi. Feeling much better now, I took a nap. I attempted to talk some sense into myself. It's almost like arguing with myself. Trying to break those illusions I've buried myself in all these years....yeah. Anyway, much better right now.

Today at work I was practically running the entire line by myself, for the Hikers. Not because I was being forced to though, I mean they did ask me to do stuff, but I decided to do everything from start to finish by myself to keep my mind off the thoughts that were creeping their way through (above). Grandma was getting on my nerves again. I keep telling myself "Only 2 or 3 more weeks...then this nightmare will finally come to an end."

I hate her. I hate the way she treats me. I hate the way she doesn't listen, to me, to anyone. I hate the way she treats my family, the way she exaggerates every little movement (even breathing) in order to get attention. I hate the way she acts like she has ten thousand diseases just so someone will pay attention to her. I hate the way she talks. I hate she pretends to be so nice around everyone else, then behind their backs says such shit about them to me. I hate knowing she's done the same of me. I hate the way she says she loves me. I hate her greed. I hate the things she's said. I hate the way she makes me feel. I hate having to hate someone so much.

But more then anything I pity her, because she will never find love. She will never learn. It's sad to think how lonely a life like that would be.

I did receive a compliment from my boss though I guess. She said he said it's nice having me around cause I know how to do everything.

Today the vending machine people came and prepossessed their vending machine, the coffee machine, the soda machine and a cabinet. So we had to rush and pull everything from the machines, then everyone came in and was like "What the fuck! It's like a relative died or something!" Then my mom left me in the lunch room and I was like uh oh...people are looking for soda, so I ended up selling people soda out of the closet. It was kinda odd. Especially since half of them didn't speak english and I had to figure out what the hell they wanted. But it was fun.

I have two dreams to report today...no three! Three dreams! Ok here goes.

Melissa, Becky and I were at some department store and they had a big fountain and Melissa was mad at me and her and Becky pushed me in, but I grabbed them as I was going down and took them both with me. Then the security people came and took me away as I was limping out of the fountain cause I hurt my knee. I was mad and kept asking why I was the only one being arrested for being in the fountain when they left Melissa and Becky who were still sitting in the water laughing evilly at me. They told me because I didn't belong. They said I "wasn't trusted". Then the lady pulled me off on her own and began to examine my knee, but I told her to leave me alone and started kicking at the air, and then her voice changed, got lower, almost male. I freaked as I felt something restraining my knee. Then I could feel...how do I explain...like it was cold, but at the same time, incredibly warm.

This is where I woke up cause I realized it wasn't part of my dream anymore. When I woke up my left knee was pulled over my right leg, and the bedding around it was indented as if someone had been sitting there, and it was still warm. At first I called for the cat, and when I couldn't sense him, turned on the light and searched the room. The cat wasn't in it, and the door was shut. So I was a bit shaken by it. But it was still like 3 in the morning so I had to go back to sleep.

Then I had a dream that Melissa took me to this "Party Hat Party" where everyone was given a special gift inside a party hat, you know the cone kind. All the gifts were place around this giant party hat, and then everyone sat around until the song and story were over. Only Melissa said my gift was extra special so she put it on top of the giant party hat. I felt a lot younger than usual, and everything Melissa did confused me. Sorta the way a small child feels looking up to an older sibling, confusion and awe. But after the song, which Melissa had written, and I realized it was about me, I felt much clearer (no i don't remember the song). Then we were supposed to find our group leader and go to this big big mansion thing where we would be spending the night. It had hundreds of floors and lots of twisting staircases. So Melissa and I were in the same group and we were following our group leader to the place, when I realized I left my gift behind and I said I'd go get it, but Melissa followed me and stopped me and said she'd go get it cause she knew if I went I'd loose my way, cause I wouldn't know which group I was in. So I thanked her and went back to the group saying I'd save her place in our cabin room thing when we got there, and that I'd meet her there. I followed the group, so happy cause Melissa had been kind enough to go back and get my stuff. But when we got to the building I realized I'd followed the wrong group, and I couldn't find Melissa and I was completely lost. At one point I ended up on an all guy's floor where everyone was dressed in army get ups and I was in the middle of the room on my knees crying while all the guys stared at me, all trying to act tuff when I knew they all wanted to betray their training and run to help me, but they weren't allowed. Then I found a room and I was dressed in the blue dress (it's a dress that has appeared in several of my dreams before, baby blue, I haven't seen it in quite a while though) And I was talking to a hologram of Melissa, who was dressed in this pink puffy thing, and telling her I was lost and couldn't find her. She was all like "it's ok, we'll find each other again soon, I promise." And I fell asleep to her singing.

The third dream I had I only remember part of it. I was hurt and Dani was trying to hold me still so that she could see. I had 3 large circular puncture wounds in my right shoulder going in a curved line down to the middle of my mid back. The wounds were fresh, but I wasn't bleeding, yet Melissa had my blood all over her hands. She hadn't touched me. Dani's hands were clean, even though she did touch the wounds.

That last one just confused me. Well so did the first. I swear someone was holding my knee.

I'm not too freaked though, cause something like that had happened before, I don't think I've ever told anyone about it though, cause I don't think anyone will believe me. Hell I don't even think I believe me, but it was just too real. Way too real...



" Fly away on my zephyr
I feel it more then ever
And in this perfect weather
We'll find a place together
Fly on my wing "

---

2003.01.06.
-Nap Time in Kali's Mental Library-

Song of the Moment:
Sponge <> "Plowed"

Yay! Becky and Melissa visited. And I got lots of manga (Love Hina 8, Peach Girl 8, Kare Kano 1), but still no Paradise kiss! And now that's up to 4! Grrr.

Oh 2 things I forgot to mention yesterday. First the reason I'm thinking of a title change is that me and my brother are going halves on a domain (he wants a place to put his music videos so people can download them, I want to get rid of the shitty pop ups and have good service that can do all the weird PEARL and crap). The other is that there was no description of what was happening in the dream besides the conversation, because I wanted to give you (the reader wahaha) the same feeling I had inside the dream. Like nothingness, nothing but voices until the river changed color and what not. It was creepy. Anyway...

Today was like every other day in Sherpa land, only to help my cause, Justin was singing rather loudly along with the music, so my grandma didn't bother me with the "How can you listen to this shit" speech after the first try. It was fun, that whole 5 minutes of the day.

And I learned a new trick today, how to read and listen to really loud music from the headphones (in another language) at the same time. All in order to avoid conversation on the ride home cause it was just me and grandma. And that my friends, is how I finally finished Tainted Trail. It would make sense to not leave a book your reading at work, where you have 30 minutes tops a day to read it, provided people arnt screaming, or you're not eating.

So yeah, around 4:00 am this morning, when I couldn't sleep, I started re-reading "Drawing Blood", and after that, "Tainted Trail", Peach Girl Vol.8 and part of Kare Kano, I had a very messed up dream.

It was one of the...uh...love scenes in "Drawing Blood", I think the first one, in the house where Trevor decided he wanted to smash Zach's face open. Zach was bleeding and Trev was licking the blood off his face and it was turning into tiny insects in his mouth, and the rest dripping from Zach's chin was becoming rats (this is where Tainted Trail comes in, the guy was an alien and his blood turned into small creatures like rats and bugs and birds in order to survive outside his body because his blood held all his memories, so whenever he lost a blood mouse or something, he lost memories, but he could remerge with them). Trev was chewing the bugs down and swallowing them and commenting on how he was taking in small pieces of Zach, and Zach was just like....well he was being Zach. In the dream I wasn't sure if I was Zach, or if I was just there but not really. I couldn't really tell. So then there got to talk about shooting up with many tiny needles, and there was lots of tickling and stuff, and then Zach was asking Trevor about "the sheets" and laughing maniacally at them while Trev proceeded to go insane with what seemed to be fear over "the sheets". Then they got to talking about Kittaning (the baby in Tainted Trail that was formed when the bad guys got a hold of one of the blood mice and beat the shit out of it till it turned human) and they were talking about how Zach was bleeding which meant there was a possibility that they could be fathers soon (yes they spoke of it as if Zach were menstrating for heavens sake ¬_¬) but then all of a sudden Zach got scared and was like over analyzing himself and then he decided he had to protect Trev by not being around him and pretending to be in love with a cardboard cut out. The odd thing was the card board cut out was of a giant sheet (like a bed sheet), and Trev actually believed that he was madly in love with it. But then they admitted that they were both just scared, did more over analyzing and then made up.

It was just a fucked up dream, and I realize that wasn't the best of descriptions, but right now I'm over tired. (I accidentally fell asleep reading, waiting for Melissa and Becky to show up ^__^) So nighty night to you all!

" Will I wake up?
Some dream I made up?
No, I guess it's reality
What will change us?
Or will we mess up?
Our only chance to connect with the dream
Say a prayer for me... "

---

2003.01.05.
-Demented Angel-

Song of the Moment:
Oasis <> "Wonder Wall"

So Stacy was here, and then she left and I come home to my mom playing DDR, or at least trying, failing miserably and laughing her ass off. After Rikki and my mom left I played in lesson mode and was really getting into it. I don't care how stupid I look. I want Melissa to try, she can dance. But anyway, I'm pooped out now. Hey I can still play with the joystick!

I wore the cape out in public again. It's really getting to be part of my daily wardrobe.

Oh! Yeah the title of today's entry, I'm thinking of making that either my site title or my blog title. I figure they should be different titles. Any suggestions? I came up with the title after thinking on it while watching the first of Haibane Renmei. Just the way she was sitting there with the halo taped and wired to her head cause it wouldn't stay on. So you can probably bet on a Haibane layout, if I can make the screen caps. And it fits a bit, seeing as how it's (the title, Obstruction of SaniTy) already about insanity, Insane angel didn't seem right. Sooo what's another word for insane madness? Demented! Well it can also apply to emotional disturbance and intellectual deterioration...

But Haibane is real cool, the art kicks ass. I want more! Download faster damn you!

Now I'm watching Undergrads. Very interesting. Stacy brought me cookies! I want to see everyone again. I don't know, I'm feeling lost a bit. Like I wanna pull away from it all, yet at the same time I need to be near them right now. I don't know if this is me getting better or not. I mean, does it mean I'm getting better that I feel if I needed to reach out I think I could? Maybe not right away.

Last night's dream:

"Then, tell her I love her."
"Who?"
"My love."
"Who?"
"Kali, tell Kali I love her."
"Doesn't she know?"
"Does she care?"
"Doesn't she know? How could she not."
"Does she care?"
"Tobias...I..."
"Do you care? Can you? THEN SAY IT! SAY IT ALREADY!"
"..."
"SAY IT!!! SAY IT KALI!!!! SAY.....please.....please just....just...."
"..."
"....I'm tired Kali...."
"..."
"...your wings are bleeding..."
"..."
"...at least say something?"
"...."
"...Ka-..."
"...........I.....l...ove......you"
"UH?!?!"
The river (yes it's "The River") began to clear up, slowly running from red to a gleaming crystal blue.
"....look Kali...it's like a thousand midnight stars...can you see them now?"
"...yes."
"Then fly."


Much happy then the last River dream. Earlier I was amused by the fact that I had a pure white candle and I was dripping the wax over a CD and the wax dripping from the candle was black. Freaky ne?

" And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
...But I don't know how
Maybe your gonna be the one to save me
Cause after all, you're my wonder wall "

---

2003.01.04.
-Dance DAMN IT! DANCE!-

Song of the Moment:
Aurora <> "Ordinary World"

Ah the sounds of the DDR, as I stomp the shit out of it. I should look into a new tv soon, the color distortion on mine is really starting to hurt my eyes. But I so love having "basement vision". Anyway, as you can see by the moment's song choice and the above stated stomping, I finally got my hands on the DDRMAX game. On the up side, the color distortion seems to give that extra added arcade effect. But I really can't dance in these pants (you know the extremely baggy ones with the 3 long straps and buckles hanging all down either side). So maybe a change of clothes is in order, after this updating break.

I also got a flannel sheet set, with stars and constellations all over it. *fuzzy* ^__^. I will never freeze in bed again! Maybe over heat...

Speaking of my bed! I slept almost the whole day away again. I had a dream that I was transported to another world where everyone I met (at first) were in black and white. At first the fact that I was colored was hidden by my hooded cape thing. The only thing visible was my black boots and the shadowed pale skin of my face. Not knowing where I was, or how I'd gotten there, I ended up following some guy I'd mistaken for Tobias, but once I'd finally caught up to him he turned abruptly and the wind blew my cape open and my hood off and he was shocked cause I was colored. So then he mistook me as some kind of goddess (said I was giving off a bright light or something) and made me go with him and his friends to kill these monsters (almost like you would in a video game) in an old house. Only after the first few (that were in this really awesome looking sparkley cave with a river and stepping stones (and they said I created this place like it was me or some type of expression of my soul)) I lost my weapon and was trying to beat the monsters with random small objects in my purse by the time we got to the house. So I told them that if they let me go home I could find my weapon and come back. So in order to take me home they put me in one of those little Fisher Price cars. You know what I'm talking about, the like 4 foot high red car thing with the big arching yellow roof and you sit in front of the lil black steering wheel and move the car with your feet (like the flinstones, only more if the flinstones ever met Ronald mcDonald). So I was obviously took big for the thing, so I was kinda folded into it with my legs sticking out the side, and the smallest of the group (who's personality reminded me of Momiji from Furuba) offered to take me to the portal. He took me through the "residential district" (aka the ghetto) and explained to me that there were some people in this world that were born in color, and didn't like those that were B&W. I felt sad then. As we passed through the ghetto I found that almost everyone there was in color (and the majority of them were also african, asian, or spanish). I wondered why, if they were the majority, and had the ability to be color and had all these opportunities that the B&W people didn't (who I may note seemed to all be richer, higher ranking people yet were all treated poorly), they would want to trash their part of the world. It confused me, but when I tried to ask I was told to be quiet and keep covered as they would immediately know I wasn't one of them, and hate me. But somehow we were found out anyway, and they tried to take me away, and the little guy couldn't help me so I started screaming for the guy I met when I first found myself in this world. Of course I realized I didn't know his name, so I screamed everything from "Peter Pan" to "Steven". Eventually he found the little guy and then realized I was in trouble and rescued me. Then he chewed the lil one out for taking me through that district. After everything calmed down we got to a safe place while the lil guy was trying to tell everyone I didn't exist or something. I promised the other guy that one day I would give him color and show him my world. He smiled and told me that it wasn't color that he needed. He said my color was special, like it was a gift as rare as an angel's wings. I was confused by the comment.

After that he started to say something else, but I woke up.

OOOh just got my check from my other job! Pretty good for 3 days work. I'm so happy I finally caught up on all my missed sleep though. It seems as if the last 2 and a half weeks ran seamlessly into one another. I was getting so worn out, I didn't know if I could handle another day. I think that might be a factor as to where all the tension was coming from those last two days. It's just that so much happened and I worked all weekend last week and I usually need my weekends to sleep. But now I feel as if I could run a mile (yeah right me run ha!). Yet I still can't move fast enough for the DDR...

" But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive "

---

2003.01.03.
-Sleep *puuurrrr*-

Song of the Moment:
Fruits Basket <> "Chiisana Inori"

I forgot to mention yesterday that I got my book back ^__^. I think I sat there for like 5 minutes staring at the cute little fox stamps on the box.
I HATE the dub for this song.

Well, today definitely went better then yesterday. I found that somehow I've opened a line of communication between myself and the Justin character. How did that happen? It isn't much, very small talk at best, but there's no longer that avoidant silence. I can deal with this.

Yeah so today I decided that I didn't want to listen to my headphones on account of I forgot to make myself a new disk and things were feeling pretty scripted (aka 4 or 5 weeks of the same cd for 8 hours a day), so I found a radio in the pile of crap over by the machine I've been working on. It took awhile to find a place where it actually worked (all the interference of the crap in the shop) but then I got Lazer tuned in. Everytime someone walked past the thing it went dead silent, or got really fuzzy, so Justin kept fuddling with it, but then Brenda took his place on the line and so my grandma decided to come bug me every five seconds making exaggerated gestures and screaming "How can you listen to this shit!" and encouraging Brenda to join in. So they were both kinda getting on my nerves, but I brushed it off. Then I was getting sick to my stomach because someone was over-killing on the bleach and cleaners. But by the end of the day I was dancing and singing with the broom so things definitely got better.

Then I got home and took a nap and didn't wake up till 10:30. Sleep yaya. When I woke up I could remember what the dream was about, but due to lack of speaking it, or writing it down, and the rush to get upstairs, I let it slip from my mind entirely. Gomen Nasai.

I just got done with the mound of dishes that had been sitting since new years eve, after running out of hot or warm water twice. I'd refused to do them cause someone poured whine in the sink, beneath the dish pan and it didn't drain, and the dish pan itself was full of greasy water and dishes were piled all over. So it was gross. And inevitably I ended up cleaning it. I gaged. It was like sticking my hand in ice cold rotting alcohol enriched greasy water that looked like blood. Ew. But I was watching SNL while doing the dishes and laughing at the front man from Live's "dancing".

"Seiipai datta ichinichi ni
Sayounara to arigatou
Waratte oemashou
Sore wa chiisana inori "

---

2003.01.02.
-Damning a River of Rage-

Song of the Moment:
Live <> "Feel the Quiet River Rage"

I thought this song would be appropriate to listen to while writing today's entry. Today started out ok, then got worse and worse and then a bit better again.

Let's start with last night though. We had a bit of a discussion online last night, which left me in tears. Everyone was hurt and confused. So then Melissa calls at like 10:30 and asks if she could come over and talk. I could barely choke out the words. I wanted to be with everyone more than anything at the moment, but at the same time I wanted no one. I don't like letting people see me cry like that. But now someone else has seen that side of me. Whenever I feel any type of extreme emotion, it's like I'm stranded. I can't speak. I try and the words don't come out. Instead they strangle me, and I'm left gulping the air. I can't reach out to anyone either. I just sit there clenching my fists or fighting and putzing with anything on my wrists. I don't know why. But now there are three people who have seen me that way; my father being the first, Danielle, and now Melissa. But they seem to understand.

The same applies to when I'm really scared as well though. I used to always fear being left alone somewhere, because I knew that if someone came after me or tired to hurt me and no one else was around I wouldn't be able to scream for help. It's just odd.

So anyway, last night we went and got Becky as well, and had a midnight pick-nick. Then we talked. I guess somehow I feel relieved, even though I know this isn't over yet. It's just being able to share with them, and what they said that made me feel better: "It's not your fault". I guess that's just one of the things I've been waiting for someone to say to me.

They think I should seek professional help, but I really don't want to. It's just not something I can do. I feel more comfortable being able to share with them. It's made me realize a lot about myself. I'm getting better in my own way. But I promise that if I still need it after awhile, I'll give it a try ok.

As for my parents, they can't really understand this. I've tried talking to both of them, and felt a bit discouraged. From my dad came the comment of "What stuff? What is there to know about Kerri that everyone doesn't know already?". That's when I knew he wouldn't understand my emotions, and decided I couldn't continue the conversation. From my mom, when I told her I was feeling emotionally drained by yesterday's events I got a "Oh boo hoo" followed by laughter. That was as far as that conversation went as well cause she left the room. My parents don't understand emotions, though I think my dad has a better understanding then my mom, or at least tries. He knows enough to know when something's wrong, or understand the immediate problem, but not the feelings and emotions that are causing that problem. It's always been that way, when I say I'm emotionally stressed or something like that they laugh at me as if I'm joking, or act as if I'm making excuses.

But even so, I'm happy with the relationship I have with them now. We are very close, and it's only been getting better. The past is behind me now, and I feel as if I'm finally crawling out of that hole.

As for today, I think for the first time I actually felt overcome by rage. I didn't lash out at anyone though, thankfully. I know when to walk away. It was just so frustrating. Today was the annual inventory day at work. SO everyone was busy, and making a total mess. Instead of helping count I was the only one left working the line. I was fine with that at first. The day started off ok, it was going fast. But then I started feeling ignored. Then my knee was hurting because I'd been standing all day. Then I ran into a box of troublesome shoes. The deckings were to small for the frames, so I had to fight with them pulling them with all my strength. So I became frustrated at that. Then they brought in more people to count our area cause it was taking too long and those people knew that I do inventory for my other job so they were all bugging me about how I should be counting instead of working cause I could do it so much faster, but I had to keep saying that I can only do as I'm told. Then my hands were hurting really bad, and I ran out of parts so I had to get this extremely heavy box down from the top shelf (from on top of another box too) and when I finally get it down, my boss comes over and tells me to put it back so that I don't fuck up the inventory. And I had a hell of a time trying to put it back, seeing as how I could barely bring it down, now I had to lift it way up above my head! I had no one to help cause they all left. So then my back hurt and I had to go hunt down random parts to finish my job. I just wanted to hurt something. And when I realized that I was like "wow...I'm really frustrated aren't I" and I knew I had to walk away. So I went to the bathroom and ran my hands under the hot water for a few minutes and slumped over the sink. In a place where no one cares about you, you have to learn to help yourself. It's no use getting all upset, because you're not hurting them back by doing so. You're only hurting yourself. So I came home exhausted, and in pain and took a nap.

I had a dream that me and Melissa went somewhere, near a day care or something. And we saw this boy who was climbing the roof of the building and fell and I asked him if he was hurt and he said no and ran to the other end of the fixture that we were sitting in. I stared at the boy, as he looked very much like an older version of Melissa's little brother Coner (older as in 6 or 7). He was crying over on the other end, obviously hurt, but afraid to show it. Our end of the thing was like a cushioned chair, and I asked the boy if he really wanted to sit on that end. I asked him if he'd like to sit with us. Seeing that I cared enough to ask after he had just rejected me, he stared for a while, puzzled as to why I was still being kind to him. Then he said he wanted to sit with us and came running. For some reason he turned into a little green snake that reminded me of a beanie baby (like it could have been one) and came slithering over all happy, and curled around Melissa's leg, trying to get up to the seat. Meanwhile my mom was taking a "Luna Tour" because she bought tickets to fly to the moon.

Anyway, after my nap I feel so much better. All my pain is gone. Oh and on a good note I haven't had a headache or been dizzy or felt sick since new years eve. Hopefully it will continue this way. Right now though, I think I want to go do something creative like draw or write.

"Always try to explain
Afraid to lay naked in the sun
He's crazy, she dances in the light
The crowd jeers, they won't put up a fight
Suffers the wound
Never turns from love
Never turns to hate "

---

2003.01.01.
-Happy New Year?-

Song of the Moment:
Poe <> "Spanish Doll"

Well last nights party went...farely well...up until some point. I really don't want things to turn into a big argument. I don't want to see people hurt, yet I know they will be hurt either way. I really hate it when my friends argue, but I can't stop them. I just hope that they can work something out.

Other than that, there was confetti, and there still is all over the floor and the bed and my clothes. And I feel like drawing something, but I'm being lazy. Dani and Melissa got me this kick ass cape thing for my birthday/christmas. I love it so much. But I freaked out when I say it cause it was like the same thing as I was wearing in the dream (see last entry), plus the tag had an anke with the word "Eternal" on it. I have to laugh though. And now I'm wearing it all around the house. And it's creeping my mom out. Come spring we're defiantly gonna get those floating candles Dani-chan. ^__^. Thank you very much!

We tried to scare the pizza guy by standing outside with the scythe (and the cape like the old year), but he won that battle. He wasn't scared at all, instead he told us a couple of cheesy jokes about micro waves and radio signals. So, alas, we were defeated. And I never got my rematch with Danielle! Grrrr. Everyone was talking about doing a separate web site for the Anime Reviews, because they all want to do one and thought it would be fun to have sort of a comparison type thing where we all say what we thought. Of course I'm the web mistress ^__^ fun.

I woke up around five after everyone went home. I had a dream that I got a letter from Danielle (lil backwards...but definitely influenced by the conversation in the car this morning with Melissa and Becky) and it came with a tape of songs. I didn't understand the letter, and she didn't want to talk to me really, but I kept listening to the tape to see if it would make more sense. For some reason I can't remember a single song that was on it right now. I do remember the letter though. It was in a light purple envelope, on the same color paper, and the envelope read "To: Kerri Melissa Becky" The names were well spaced out with mine and Melissa's being on the same line, and Becky being just below me. Both their names were heavily scratched out, but I could still read the imprint of the letters. The letter's content it's self I can't remember, but it was in really sloppy writing. Whatever it said had upset me to the point where I ran away from Melissa after Dani semi-refused to talk to me, and hid in a fort thing in some elementary school playground.

That's all I remember. I don't remember the dream I had when everyone was here, but I was told Tobi spoke to them. They said he laughed at Melissa. For some reason, though I don't remember, I get the feeling that he was happy about something, something about me. Perhaps because I am finally starting to share my feelings with others. We were all talking last night, and I told everyone things about my childhood. It made them all quiet and sad. I didn't mean to do that. I guess that's why I never shared those things, because I don't want to be a burden on everyone like that. And after hearing the comment that was made I must admit that I can sort of understand why it was made. I don't know if Danielle realizes it, but she saw a side of me that, until recently, I hadn't shown the others. She's helped me lots really. Before I used to think that if I just kept smiling and always seemed happy, it would make everyone else happy and they wouldn't have to share my pain. But Dani saw through that, and some how got through that wall I created. Perhaps because I felt that she could truly understand. She accepted that me. I couldn't hide it from her. After that, after this summer, I've come so much closer to everyone else because I learned trust more. I feel now that we've all grown closer in the past couple of months, then we had even in the span of several years. And now with this new found closeness I fear losing any one of them.

But it's in situations like these that I loose the words to express myself. Maybe because I'm still clinging to some childish fear that I'll say something that they won't understand or want to hear and they'll leave me.

In the end, it's my own emotions that scare and confuse me.

"This place feels so unfamiliar
And yet I know it well
I think I used to belong here
But the only way I can tell
Is that I miss you still
And I cannot find you here
You left me tattered and torn
Just like that Spanish doll "

---

2002.12.30.
-Supply Shopping-

Song of the Moment:
Poe <> "Junkie"

Today my dad went somewhere with my grandpa (his dad). So I managed to talk Melissa into taking me supply shopping. Arigato Merisusa-sama! We visited Becky too. My dad was going to pick me up that graphics card, but they didn't have it anymore. *sob* Oh well. Me and Melissa got new years head things. Ok, actually they're christmas wreathes that we decorated with butterflies and birds and wore on our heads around the store. Yes, we're insane. But now I have plenty of snacks for tomorrow, and 2 champagne bottles full of confetti.Yay!

So last night I had this creepy dream. Well, it wasn't creepy like the usual creepy, it was creepy as in the way it felt and what not.

It started out with me going to visit Dani. When I found her she was studying an Egyptian mummy. On the table next her were piles of books on eternity, immortality and death. She turned around, at first a bit startled to find me standing before her, but then she seemed pleased. She talked about how amazing the ancient culture's perspective on death was. She asked me to get in the coffin, and when I refused she opened the lid and pushed me in, then slammed the lid back down on me. I felt the last of the light become sucked in by the darkness, and began to feel closterphobic. It was getting hard to breath. My face was pressed against the chest of the mummy; petrified death, so old, so well preserved. The corpse didn't give, didn't crumble under my weight. The smell of aging rot clung in my nostrils. I begged her to let me free. But instead she opened the coffin, then slammed it shut again, using the lid to slam my face into the corpse, and again several times. Soon I began to cry, out of pain and fear, but mostly due to the thought that something was wrong with Dani. I began to wonder what, if anything, I had done to make her act this way against me. Now I was sobbing loudly, giving up the struggle to get free. No longer feeling my resistance, she let go of the lid and let me up. I cried, half sobbing, half weezing from injury. She folded me in her arms and apologized, letting me cry into her shoulder. But I still sensed something was wrong. Something wasn't right. Without my noticing, she had pulled a syringe from her coat pocket, and was about to stab me in the neck, but I caught her. At first I was startled, then I panicked and struggled against her. After much confusion, I was able to get the syringe away from her. For some reason she assumed I was going to stab myself for her, but when I took off with it for the door, she caught on and followed me screaming "Kali please! Please,don't take it back to the ocean!" I ran halfway down the block, but she was catching up quick. I wondered why she wanted to kill me. Turning the first corner I chucked the needle over the neighbor's fence, into their swimming pool. I panicked when I saw her closing in on me, assuming she had seen what I had just done. But she hadn't, so I continued running hopping she'd think I still had it. Then when I couldn't see her behind me anymore, I decided to turn around thinking she had gone the opposite way and would be waiting for me around the corner. But I was mistaken, and she caught me back in my yard. She demanded I give it back to her, and when I didn't have it she threw a fit, till finally breaking down and apologizing. For some reason I told her that when the time came I would kill myself for her, but not now. Quietly she whispered that she had only tired to inject me with that stuff so that she could immortalize me and keep me with her forever. (Though I didn't hear her say it in the dream, I remember I felt sickened by the thought.)

After that we went to the mall. They were have some sort of spanish festival, and there were green and yellow parakeet flying all over the place. One landed in my open hand. I looked up then asked Danielle if she ever remembered me talking about the dreams where the second floor of the mall was mad of nothing but netting and I was always afraid to fall. Looking up she saw that the second floor had indeed been turned to netting for the festival, and all the walls were painted bright solid, vibrant colors. We walked around, then somehow where separated. I was wandering, lost in thought about what had made Danielle go insane like that. I thought back to the book she had just finished writing and allowed me to read. The theme was immortality. It had been a sad yet wonderful story. I took it to a publisher a week earlier. I wanted to surprise her. After awhile I decide to go find her again, but then I was wondering where Becky was for some reason. Somehow I knew that she had come with Melissa and Beth to the mall. I walked past a green door (against a maroon wall) and heard a pounding noise. My subconscious told me it was Becky, but for some reason I ignored it and kept walking as the pounding got louder and louder. I also passed a dead parakeet on the ground, and found my mother. I told her about the dead bird, and she said that the dancers must have trampled it. Then she gestured to the one that had perched itself on my finger. She tried to pick it up, and accidentally ripped it's legs off. I felt disgusted and left her. After finding Dani again, I took her to a cafe where I surprised her with the first copy of her story, then got up and wrapped myself in a cape thing and left to get something. She flipped the book over in her hands, noticing that I had done the cover art. She made some connection between the red cover and the red room and how everything seemed to be red, then thought that I was trying to tell her something. The realization seemed to make her happy, and she went back to me, saying to herself that she had to "thank me" (I don't really know how to read the tone of what she said).

I woke up just as she reached me, so I don't know what she was up to. The title of her book had the word blood in it. The rest is just a blur to me. Anyway, it was kinda a creepy dream. I mean it made me feel sick, and lonely, and scared and yet loved and needed. I don't know how to explain it really.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go sleep...

"I know how to wear the costume
I know how to wear the mask
I even like the thought of having to ask
I like the sound of your whistle
I like the way you wear your grin
I even like the taste of my will caving in
I'm not a junkie for your love, not a junkie"

---

2002.12.29.
-Need...Sleep...-

Song of the Moment:
Corey Taylor <> "Bother"

Well work today took much longer then expected...about four hours longer. I felt so bad, cause I told my dad to pick me up, and he was waiting for four extra hours. He says he didn't mind, but I still feel bad.We went to the bookstore afterwards, and I got an HTML book, because I tend to forget things, and then I have to hunt them down on the web, and that's just annoying. So I spent five bucks and got a book that lists all of it. Not that it's any help in teaching me anything I don't already know.

I finally looked at that FAFSA thing...I don't have half of that information...It'll have to wait till my parents have the time to help fill it out. And I need to go supply shopping for tuesday, maybe I'll make my dad take me tomorrow.

Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of the dream I had while I was at Melissa's dad's house. Shall I explain? Ok fine...

Wish I was too dead to cry
A self affliction face
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochist to which I cater

In the dream I had wanted to stop existing, to stop feeling, to go numb. I was being followed by a shadow of myself that kept telling me everything was futile,mocking me, putting me down, and beating me. For some reason I just put up with it.

You don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on
I won't let go 'till it bleeds

The shadow kept asking me if I really thought I could survive alone, and when I doubted myself I fell. Then later on in the dream there was a part about ripping someone's heart out and holding it in my hand, feeling it beat, feeling the warm blood dripping off my fingers.

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest

I told another shadowy person that I didn't want to exist anymore, that nothing mattered, that it was all nothing. I couldn't speak back against my attacker, and then I was raped and forced to eat their intestines. It was very disturbing.

I wish I had a reason
My flaws are open season
For this I gave up trying
One good time deserves my dying

The shadow of myself could read my mind and was playing on all my insecurities, causing me to give up and want to die.

You don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on
I won't let go 'till it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shelf forgotten with it's memories
Diaries left with cryptic entries

In the end I was left wishing I had died, wanting to forget everything.

And you don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on
I won't let go 'till it bleeds

You don't need to bother
I don't need to be, yeah
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on, once I hold on
I'll never live down my disease

Now I know that's not what that song means, but that's what it reminds me of. It's kind of a bad thought. I don't know...if you really want to read the whole dream in it's entirety, I guess I could put it here. I already told Melissa, and I'm sure she's just about the only one who always reads this anyway. Ok here's the E-mail I sent her:

**WARNING: This is not for the weak of stomach!** So I woke up alone in the darkness. There was nothing there no shape or anything so I started freaking out cause I thought if I uncoiled myself I would fall and die, but eventually I stretched out my foot and touched the (non-existent) ground. Then I could stand and I felt all proud of myself. Then the shadow showed up and was all like clapping for me (I think it could read my mind...in fact I think it was me...but I couldn't be sure)in like a sarcastic way. So I asked it to stop mocking me and it was all like "Oh...so you think you can really go through with this? You think YOU can stand alone? ALONE!" and I tried to get to somewhere else but there was no where to go, cept through a door that appeared out of no where and just lead to another door and then once I got in the other door I feel this sharp pain run through my head and saw nothing but red. So then I started complaining about something very incoherently. Something about how I couldn't hear the water and I couldn't breathe and I couldn't see and then I couldn't feel and that I had gone numb. Only I could feel something cold and metal in my hand so I don't think I meant I was physically numb. So I thought I could stab myself with it. Even though I couldn't see what it was. So I tried to, but I think it disappeared and there was the shadow laughing at me, so I left the doors and kept walking back in the nothingness until I fell through a hole. And then was in a tomb thingy and someone kept shaking the corpses telling them they had to wake up and dance. So I started laughing and told them death was funny. That death was what everyone worked so hard for. And the shadow came back and made everything disappear again and asked me if that was true. And I said I didn't know. Then I asked the shadow if it wanted to know a truth as it was walking away, and it turned around and I told it I didn't want to exist anymore. I said I didn't want to exist anymore because to exist is to feel pain, to live is to feel pain. And the shadow was all like "Are you sure?" And it kept telling me all this shit and I was just like "Nothing...it's all nothing...it's all gone..." And then the shadow was like "Oh yeah? Is this nothing?" and it morphed into someone (but I couldn't really tell who) and I started freaking out like "oh my god it's...you..." and they were just standing there holding their arms out and I asked them to hold me and ran to them and told them never to let go again. So then they were all being silent (I should mention that I couldn't even tell what this persons gender was)and then they pushed me down and straddled me and started taking off my clothes and being all evil trying to cut through my skin with their finger nails and kept smacking me in the face every time I tried to fight back, till I couldn't breathe because my nose was smashed in and blood was drowning my air passages. Then all I could do was lay there while they raped me. Then they asked me how I was and all I said was "...I'm cold..." and they were like "but you're burning up." and I was like "...I'm cold..." and they started laughing and said "Of course you are." Then they got off me and went and got a candle and lit it, said it stood for something, and started dripping the hot wax over my bare skin, over the cuts and bruises. And after they were through with that they decided to slice them self open and force me to eat their intestines and stuff. Then they ripped their heart from their chest and I could feel it against my hand, and I was swallowing their blood as it poured over my face and they laughed. Then all I remember thinking was "someone...sing that song...for me...one more time...sing for me..." and that's when I woke up.

I tried to spare the graphicness. It was just really disturbing.

"But once I hold on, once I hold on
I'll never live down my disease"

---

2002.12.28.
-Anime Addiction-

Song of the Moment:
Fruits Basket <> "For Fruits Basket"

So I just did a tarrot card reading for myself, and it basically said that someone is leaving/traveling far away from me, and I feel all lonely and depressed, and I'll get ill and disappointed, but in the end I'll be a more sensitive, artistic person. Scary cards. I probably suck at this anyway.

I still think it's funny how not even a year ago my mom called me stupid for wanting to learn about Tarrot and witch craft and all that stuff (due t many odd dreams where I was shown or told things I didn't know or understand), and now all of a sudden for some reason she's all into dream interpretation and spells (the cheesy "love spells" or silly ass stuff like that) and thinks she could be Ms. Cleo or something (that's where the tarrot cards come from, she bought Ms.Cleo's "You too can Learn the Power of the TARROT" kit...that's just scary. And then she asks me to read them for her. *blink*) I really don't get it...

Anyway....I worked today, I'm tired. I've been up since 5am and I didn't get back home till 4:30ish. And I work again tomorrow @_@... It's been a really long week. And as far as my health is concerned, all this working isn't helping much.

I did find time to finish watching Furuba though. I must say that as much as I loved the show, the ending was a disappointment. They missed 2 animals, and didn't explain all the stuff that they were making out like they were gonna. It might have been a good ending IF there's gonna be another season. If not, if that's that, then I remain disappointed. I'd like to see another season. The characters were great, my favorite was Kyo, and Haru (though there wasn't much of him), but most only popped up once. There was a lot of emotion put into it, and yet at the same time it was very funny. Poor Kyo though. All in all, I WANT MORE! ^__^

My next task will be to finish watching .hack//SIGN!

Oh and yesterday I got my all time favorite anime series on DVD, or as the box would say "The greatest anime series of all time in one box"...yes that's right NGE! It's cool though, cause I got it for $50 less then the usual price. It pays to shop Best Buy for you anime DVDs. I also got Totoro from my dad. He found it at K-mart ^__^. I have lots and lots of anime to watch. Now if only the CBSD would restock some new manga I'd be all set...

Oh and Melissa came and got me and we had a pseudo party thing at her house. (AkA a couple of hours of driving around, 2 trips to target, lots of snacks and a few episodes of NGE, or as she calls it "The box of Insanity").It was fun, and I wish her the best of luck for tomorrow (family christmas party thing).

"Tatoeba kurushii kyou datoshite mo
Kinou no kizu wo nokoshite mo
Shinjitai kokoro hadaite yukeruto
Umarekawaru koto wa dekinai yo
Dakedo kawatte wa yukerukara Let's stay together, itsumo..."

---

2002.12.26.
-Coming Down-

Song of the Moment:
Pearl Jam <> "I am Mine"

Well one more big holiday and I think we should all be somewhat ok again. I can't say normal, cause we're never "normal". And while we're at it I'd like to pose this question to all you "normal" beings out there: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU USING TO DEFINE NORMAL ANYWAY?!?!?! ...ano...gomen nasai...hehehe...

Last night I suffered a garlic induced stomach ache after dinner. They made cracks about my vampirism again. I'm not supposed to be the one who's allergic to eating garlic or anything (that's Dani's department), just the smell (it gives me a real bad headache).

Anyway, with Christmas through and done with, the tension in the house is taking a back seat to the everyday stress of work. And yet I remain untouched by it all. I watch my mother get upset all the time, and then she smokes more cause she's upset, and she spends the rest of the day in a bad mood. I do my best to cheer her up though. But I guess I try to reach her with the side of myself that she'll probably never understand. As close as I am to my parents, there will always be that part of me that they will never understand. I think, in part because they choose to close their minds to their emotions, but mostly because they've let the world get to them. I guess that's where my "innocence" that everyone talks about comes into play. Am I really still holding on to something most people loose as a child? Even so...I wonder how that is.

Maybe I'm living my life backwards. When i was a child I acted more like an adult. I worried about everything, because my parents didn't seem to care, so I felt I had to take the responsibility upon myself. I was never accepted by anyone, not even my parents. A lot of the kids at school didn't like me cause they thought I was weird, or they thought I was some kind of ghost or spirit. So I was alone. And growing up, I've had more then my share of pain, mostly emotional. I can't even begin to explain here, but I'm glad that I finally feel as if I can share some of it with my friends and that they'll understand. But, if I've been through all this, how is it that I'm still the way I am?

I wish I could see the me that everyone else sees. Why is it that people can't see their own beauty? Perhaps, if they could, then they wouldn't need to envy what they see in others.

But somehow I feel, that because of them, and through being able to share my feelings with them, I've learned more about myself. I feel as if I've grown, changed in some way. It's a wonderful feeling. Something I hope I am able to share with them as well.

Even while the tears flow in the darkness, even when I feel so lonely I could die, even when the only thing I want is to be held and all I can reach out to is an empty room; I can't help but smile. Because I know now that I'm not alone anymore. These are the feelings I'd like to share with everyone I meet.

I'm sorry I guess I'm being sappy ne?

"The ocean is full cause everyone's crying
The full moon is looking for friends at high tide
The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrow's denied
I only know my mind
I am mine"

---

2002.12.25.
-Merry Care-y Christmas-

Song of the Moment:
Carebears <> "It's great to Be"

Merry Christmas everyone! Now I know you're looking at my song choice of the moment and going "Oh no...we've lost her for good this time". Yes I'm watching the Carebears movie. It was my christmas gift from my brother. And I got carebears gumies candy, like from the movie theater, so that I can eat them while I watch. And I got money from my parents and grandparents. I have to go shopping now I guess. Well it's christmas, but I still don't feel it. I feel like something's missing...but I can't figure out what. >_< How frustrating.

Somebody tell me what's missing? Why do I feel so...not here today?

Anyway...Maybe tomorrow I'll go out and kill a few things off the Wish list. Most likely the manga and DDR. ^__^ Most of that stuff isn't coming out till Jan. or Feb....I can't wait for the New Years party though, that should be fun, right? As long as it doesn't turn out like my birthday party...but right now I must go listen to Ryuichi sing "White Christmas". Wahahaha.

"Yes, it's great to be
In that carebear family
And I'm proud to see
That you're standing here with me"

---

2002.12.24.
-Merry Chaos...I Mean Christmas-

Song of the Moment:
Poe <> "Dolphin"

Ne, Kali is sleepy desu~ But look I updated! HURA HURA and all that. So, now it's Christmas Eve. Doesn't even feel like it. Not even after our lil family get together. As usual, the main topic of conversation with the relatives was money, Money,MONEY. So in order to avoid human contact and the inevitable tension of suppressing the need to scream that I don't give a shit, I brought along "Tainted Trail" I read 150 pages and then took a nap, and was woken up just in time to go home. No one questions me anymore. I am a family outcast, and quite frankly, I like it that way. Yes, yes I do. I don't know why, but I could never be close to any of my family members (except my parents). I feel as if they're only acquaintances, distant ones at that. They're nothing like me, and I feel like I'm in no way connected to them. I sit in that crowded living room and feel as if I'm alone, noting their actions, conversations, wavering off into a sleepy daze immersed in the soft scent of the house. The same genetic scent runs through my aunt's house,my uncle's house, and I'm assuming my own as well. It reminds me that we are connected, even if I can't feel it, and I guess in that way it's comforting.

It's good to be home again though, I can only take so much of their greedy attitudes. And after all the chaos and tension of trying to get ready at the last minute and pushing everyone out the door, and the traffic and the grocery store closing early and so on so on so forth, I am glad to have some time to myself when I can turn the music up and scream along. Everyone around here gets so stressed during the holidays, and they start screaming at each other for stupid little things. I try to keep my cool, but eventually it gets to me too, unless I can break away for awhile.

Right now I'm working on getting the entire series of "Fruits Basket". It's such a cute show. Right now I have 14 out of 26 episodes. My favorite character so far is Kyuo (Baka Neko ^._.^), he's just too adorable when he's pissed. And Yuki is so cute in Rat form!

Oh and today Dani left for Florida to visit her mom for the holidays. I hope she had a safe trip. She promised she'd write me ^__^. Which reminds me, I'm still waiting for my copy of "Drawing Blood" to come back. I sent it to PZB cause she said she'd sign it for me. Isn't that cool?

"There's not a lot I believe anymore
I mistrust everything that I'm longing for
And there's not a lot that I know anymore
But I know if the good bridge is burning
You gotta be a dolphin
You gotta be a dolphin"

---

2002.12.23.
-Christmas in Sherpa Land-

Song of the Moment:
.Hack//SIGN <> "Obsession"

Today we had out Christmas "party" at work. Somehow I went from helping the christmas clean up crew prepare, to basically becoming the christmas clean up crew. I had to scrub walls and chairs and tables,sweep,cover tables and prepare and put out the food. I didn't mind though, it was better then sewing. And I spent a lot of time just standing around. I only regret that I got bleach on my sleevies and they turned brown...Speaking of brown, instead of a christmas bonus they gave everyone an ugly brown dress shirt. Oh, they gave the office people who already rack up the money a bonus, but the workers got just a shirt. They really are heartless bastards. I can't wait to leave that place. So if I fuck around on company time, I'm not gonna worry about it, they don't treat me well enough that I'd want to bust ass for them. They really have no respect for their employees at all.

I wanna write again. I wanna find the time...I dunno I just felt...somewhat inspired to write that story I was working on, "Fly Away", after clearing things up with Becky yesterday. And yes Melissa, we did it all without you, amazing ne? But truly, I really value the relationship I have with my friends. I've never been one to have a lot of friends. I don't connect with many people, and I don't necessarily fit in anywhere. That's something I've known since I was a child. I'm different from everyone else. I guess I've spent my life looking for someone like me, someone who would accept my difference, no, understand it. So I always tried to befriend people who didn't seem like they were part of the crowd, or didn't "fit in" like everyone else. Almost all of those friendships were broken, because those people only tried to hurt me or take advantage of me. But the people who've stuck by me are the ones I treasure more than anything else. We have a relationship deeper than most people will ever have with their friends. I can't even put into words how thankful I am to have you all in my life, but I want you to know you are all very special to me.

Everyone popped up the other day, to have a christmas party before Diana went back to Florida. It was good to see her again.^__^

Happy 14th Birthday Rikki. I gave him my old stereo for his birthday, and lent him my room and PS2 so that he can play his new DBZ game. Now the question is, when will I be able to sleep again...oh well. I changed the snow globe, and threw everything everyone left for Dani in a bag and put it on the kitchen counter, so she could come pick it up, cause I won't be home when she comes around. I still haven't found anything for my dad though. I really hate christmas shoppers...

Last night I had a dream that I was walking along side someone, and I could sense something was wrong, and I kept repeating "Daijobu...Daijobu...Daijobu..." and kindly smiling at them. I remember feeling like I could heal them, and reaching out to hold them. The rest of the dream is a blur of emotions rather than events, that I don't exactly know how to put into words at the moment.

"How come I must know
Where obsession needs to go
How come I must know
Where the passion hides it's feelings"

---

2002.11.21.
-Seeing Red-

Song of the Moment:
LAIN <> "Kodoku no SHIGUNARU"

Gomen Nasai for the lack of updates, I haven't been able to find the time. But since I've been gone so long, it'd be rather hard to catch up, so lets drop all that's happened in my absence and start with just today.

Oh one thing I can say from last weekend, I got a new computer! Yep I went out and blew $840 bucks on a brand new complete setup. Very good deal. It's a HP pavilion 513w. 1.8Ghz, 256 mb, 80 gig hard drive (adding to that the other 80 gig hard drive I bought a few months ago, I've gone from 4 gigs to 160 gigs ^__^) 17" monitor, dvd/cd-writer, and a graphics card (Yay finally). Then I found the scary microphone thing inside the monitor, had some fun with that. The only thing I don't like about it is that it has Windows XP. (<- for all of you who have been wonding what the XP is for, take a good look at it, no really look closer, it's not really an X and a P, it's the face of something sticking it's tounge out and dying...now if that isn't a warning...) I was gonna have 98 installed, but then we got carried away with all the installing of other shit, and now it's kinda pointless to do a total system wipe, so I'm stuck with XP. Microsoft Works...ha! I love my new computer though, it's all silver and black and shiney, and the integrated keyboard is so much fun...go ahead, push a button...oh and Stacy got me the big Grumpy Bear pillow! (early birthday present) Oh he's so soft! I love it to death!

Well today went rather well. Work sucked as usual. They fired the one guy after catching him asleep in his car (again...that was like the forth time). I guess he mumbled something about how he forgot he had to go somewhere, and they told him "Good go and never come back". And we have two new people working second shift. Scary thing, second shift people. Other then that, I feel like my fingers are gonna split open and bleed, and I've come to the conclusion that I could be listening to audio books while I work, seeing as how work drastically cuts into my free time. But for the time being Poe will do, till I get a list of good books going that I can find on audio. Horror is good. Horror or mystery, I think. My mom got b-day presents from this chick she talks to online. I guess they sent her beanies, but they don't know where we live so they sent them to her at work (must have found the address in the phone book or something). She thinks it's cool, I thought it was kinda creepy.

Last night I had a dream that I was sitting in the back seat of someone's car reading a newspaper. The front page's headline read "Population Seeing Red" and the article talked of the apocalypse. But it's not what you think. People weren't dying because of war or holes in the ozone or anything, they were dying because of stupidity. See someone (like a terrorist group or something) fucked with the traffic light system and all the traffic lights were stuck on red all around the world. And instead of getting out of their car, everyone who got stuck at a red light either stayed there and waited till they froze,burned, or starved to death, or they got so impatient that they killed each other. The paper was a few weeks out of date and by the time I was reading it there were only a handful of people left in the world. Then I looked up to find that my own driver was now stuck at a red light and not moving. That's when I decided it was time to get out of the car. But as I went to open the door their hand stopped mine, saying how we couldn't leave the car because it might get stolen and what not, and how if we wait a little longer the light will turn and everything will be fine. I just shook my head, brushed them off and opened the door and stepped out into the foggy morning. Everything was silent, still, cloudy. Red lights illuminated the fog, catching gleams off the window shields of the cars that had found their eternal resting place. All were still, containing rotting corpses, like mechanical coffins. I remember a the sudden pain of loneliness that swept through me. I took a step forward, then proceeded to walk down the road. Just as I was walking my way, I passed through someone walking in the opposite direction. We went right through each other's bodies, and I felt as if that person could have been me, or as if they were a part of me. I continued to walk another few feet, so did they, then we turned around and faced each other. We didn't speak a word, just smiled at each other. Sad smiles, knowing that we were the last ones left, yet for some reason I knew I was also happy, because in the end I had this person with me. I got the feeling that was what I had spent my whole life searching for.

Extremely symbolic dream, if you ask me. Cool yet creepy.

Anyway, so here's where the day gets cool. I come home to find this big scary stereo thing on top of my computer system, and upon turning on the monitor find this note left on note pad with little arrows pointing to the winamp player, where a song is waiting for me. The note said I owe my father $15 dollars and that I should play the song. So then "Fuck the System" (S.O.A D.) was blaring through the basement. Then my dad gets home and throws a bag of chicken nuggets at me and goes "Well do yo like it? You don't have to pay me right away." The thing as a Karaoke function, how cool is that. It also has a dual tape player (for recording) and radio and 3 disk cd thing and lots of functions. The cd part isn't working though, he said he'd try to fix it. It scares me cause it has all these Christmasy looking lights inside it...but hey I have a karaoke machine! And since he hooked it into my computer right away I can sing with all my favorite JRock songs! Wahaha, you thought I was bad before... Then after checking my downloads (I'm getting Chobits ^__^ DVD quality subs yum!) and Only need 12 more eps...) scarffing down nuggets, we took a trip to Lost World where I got the whole series of KEY: The Metal Idol on VHS (8 in all) for only $34 bucks! That kicked ass! The guy who owns the store was selling all the videos (the like official ones, not the copies) he used to rent out for $5 a piece. And because I'm a member of the anime cult I get 20% off anything I buy there. I also got the second DVD of KareKano (His and Her Circumstances) which isn't due out till December 20th. So that was super cool. I've wanted to see KEY for a while now, but I could never find the first volume. Now I have all eight. My dad laughed and said today must feel like christmas to me. It sorta does. Now if only I could find the time to watch all this...I spent an hour last night figuring out how to work IRC without anyone to help me. But I get it now. That's just really chaotic.

"aitai aisuru hito ni
aitai no sa aisubeki hito ni
aitai no sa
hito wa daredemo hayaku itsudemo "

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