2002.09.01.
-Genki Genki Hinaningyou! Kali desu ^__^-
Song of the Moment:
Dir en Grey <> "Child Prey"
Becky's here! ^___^ She made me a doll! It's my manga character Kali. That makes me so happy. Look, look, look.....I have a picture. It doesn't do justice, the tiara is the coolest part ^__^.
Hurray! Arigato Beckuki-sama!
You know what doesn't make me happy though...I still can't find my cookies! I went to three stores, nothing. I really don't think they're even out yet. The tv has betrayed me. Anyway, after searching for the last three days I caved and baught some double stuffed. Not the oreos I wanted but it will do. Today was good, right from the minute I got out of bed. I feel like my old self again...well not really, but you know... I had a cool dream. I actually saved someone! I did! For once I wasn't the one being saved. And I got praise from Tobi-chan -^__^-. He had lot of interesting things to say today. Yes I listened to him for once. Kami-sama forbid. Anyway...I was woken up by my mom pulling away my covers and giggling as I clung to my pillow and whimpered.
We went to St. Martin's fair. It was like a two mile long rummage sale. Nothing good though. All the same old stuff. I baught some hair clips. I figured hell I don't have any. Now I do. I like the lil ones that are happy candy colors and all sparkely.
And now I have a neat doll, which I love to pieces ^__^ not literally though, cause then it would be dead. Kyah! It's just so cool, I need a Tobias. *drool*
^___________^
"Kiss me, Kill me, Love me"
2002.08.30.
-And Once Again Another Soul is Trapped by Something Shiny-
Song of the Moment:
Gackt <> "Mizerable"
Yet more poetry for you. Hura Hura!
RAIN
Rain drops hit the pavement
In this cold heartless reality
I'll stand alone
In the haze of the rain
Desensitized,my form begins to blur
In darkness now the shadows merge
Letting go, becomming one, my identity lost, forgotten
Shaking, screaming, tears of sorrow plea
What is my meaning?
What purpose do I serve?
My existance lies solely in your eyes
Cold and lonely is this world's end
As the rain comes down I'm dreaming
Embracing pain as I dissapear
From your sight, non-existant
From your mind, in-concievable
Your grip on the future
Nostalgic
Built of past experiences
Distorted reflections
I'll shatter that mirror
To free you from the past
That image broken, you can no longer see
Now where do you stand?
Now what is your meaning?
Now what purpose do you serve?
All existance lies within my eyes
_____________
Fun huh? Makes you feel lost ne? Mirrors are evil soul eatting things. You should avoid them at all costs....*cough*....anyway. I still haven't gotten my cookies! Grrrr.....I lost the translation for this one already. Oh well.
Hm...let's see, today was boring, I had a dream that I hunted down the members of Plastic Tree and loosly strapped them to a chainlink fence and demanded to know where Ryuichi from LS was hiding so that I could add him to my collection of Bishies on a fence. Taro-chan proceeded to giggle and say weird things and call me sweet. It was an odd dream. There was also a part where I was drooling blood for some reason, with this huge smile across my face.
"hitokiri no kanashimi wa doko ni yukeba kieru
"wa ta si ni a su wa a ru no..."
"
2002.08.29.
-Count Down To Konbanwa-
Song of the Moment:
Dir en Grey <> "Ain't Afraid to Die"
It's a lil inside joke. Dani says it's always "Ohayo" until the very stroke of midnight. Which will be in about twenty minutes.Poetry time! Don't steal my poetry kay...
HITORI
I saw you there before the mirror
Feebly exposed
Childishly enveloped in your fears
Gazing apon your reflection
Contemplating its significance
Only you exist in this reality
Solely secluded
Painlessly aching
Too afraid to breath
Sinking deeper into nothingness
I saw you there before the mirror
Feebly exposed
Desolately entangled in your world
Closing your eyes softly
You whispered "Please save me..."
What do you think? Kinda self reflective. Hm...ah. Oooooooo I just saw a comercial for some new Oreos. I WANT T_T!! They're half mint, half original cream!!!!! MINT!!! ^_____^ I WANT!!! Someone get me those...
Ok this was just too funny not to post. I was bored so I decided that I'd use a translator to translate my poem into japanese just for fun. Then I thought "What if I translate it back into english...". Here are the results:
HITORI
(the english to japanese to english again version)
I before the mirror met there in you
The Feeblness which is exposed
Being surrounded immaturely in your fear
Your reflection which looks the Apon
Look of magnitude
Simply you exist in this actuality
Exclusively the secluded
There is no pain and hurts
You fear excessively to breath
It sinks to a deeper nothingness
I before the mirror met there in you
The Feeblness which is exposed
The Desolately which you become
complicated in your world
Your eye is closed quietly
You whispered, " if you exclude me..."
The first time I tried the translation, I entered the poem in it's entirety and came back with such lines as:
"There is no pain which you fear to breathe"
"In your world where the mirror Feebly closes your eye"
and "I who exist excessively in hurting saw your umbrella sheath".
^___^ so much fun.
"Ne waratte yo mou nakanai de
Koko kara zutto anata wo mite iru wa
"
2002.08.29.
-Sleep Peacefully Till Sundown-
Song of the Moment:
Plastic Tree <> "Monophobia"
Nothing special about today. I slept mostly. It was nice, peaceful even. A deep dreamless sleep. For once in a long while I felt secure in my own mind. I was able to talk to Tobias, and after a while he came to the conclusion that I need to ask a favor of someone. So I will do that, seeing as how I promised to start listening a bit more.
I took more personality quizes. They all say the same thing basically, that I'm too god damn perfect, too self sacraficing, too good, too kind...blah blah blah. My friends agree. Some times I wish I could see what they're seeing. So I should be more selfish? Selfish just doesn't suit me, it comes off more as childish. And sooner or later I'll end up appologizing to someone for my actions. I've only really ever lost controll of myself twice that I can remember. Once being when my Great Grandma broke her hip and my Grandma was treating her like crap, yelling at her to get off the floor and making fun of her. I couldn't take that. I think that was the most I've ever yelled at someone, I was in tears, it was just so painful to think that someone could be so cruel to another human being in pain, let alone their own mother. Needless to say, I didn't apologize that time. The other time was when my friend was playing like she would/was committing suicide. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't and eventually I snapped at her. She knows why. I immediatly appoligized that time though. I don't like yelling at people. Everyone says they can't remember a time when I was mad. Truthfully, outside the grandma incident, neither can I.
I was told, the best way to overcome what I'm feeling now, is to express those feelings. So that's what I'm doing here, seeing as how I have trouble verbally expressing them. And the more I rant about it, the better I feel. My friend said the other day that "Monophobia" sounded like I had written it. By that statement she was refering to the fact that I'm extreamly sun blind, unfortunatly she didn't realize how true that statement was. Admittedly, I am Monophobic. My greatest fear is being alone. I can't stand it. And the worse part is, that I guess I've always sort of been alone in my own way. Always afraid to open myself to someone,because whenever I tried I only ended up hurt. I'm trying to get better though.
"MONOPHOBIA" by Plastic Tree
Sora ga hareteta kara minna inaku natta,
Wagamama datta boku wa, oitekebori
Zembu karappo no boku
Mimi no oku no NEJI ga mawari-tsuzukeru kara,
Mata itaku natte
Kaze ga boku no hoho ni tsumetasa o nokoshita
Soto ga uso mitai ni, yassashiku natte
Boku no myaku wa hidoku hayaku nari-dashite iku
Heya no hae no ha-oto, urusaku natte
Hi ga sashitara Hi ga sashitara Hi ga sashitara
Hi ga sashitara Hi ga sashitara Hi ga sashitara
Sora ga hareteta kara minna inaku natta,
Wagamama datta boku wa, oitekebori
Hi ga sashitara Hi ga sashitara Hi ga sashitara
Hi ga sashitara Hi ga sashitara Hi ga sashitara
Boku no me ga tsubureru kara
Tsubureru kara Tsubureru kara Tsubureru kara
Tsubureru kara
Tsubureta
A------
______________________
The sky was clear and sunny, so they've all gone away
I was selfish, so I was left behind
Completely empty
Deep in my ear the screw goes on turning
And it's starting to hurt
The wind leaves its chill on my cheek
On the outside all becomes simpler, as if it were untrue
My pulse runs horibly fast
And the drone of the fly in this room is starting to grate...
When the sun shines When the sun shines When the sun shines
When the sun shines When the sun shines When the sun shines
The sky was clear and sunny, so they've all gone away
I was selfish, so I was left behind
When the sun shines When the sun shines When the sun shines
When the sun shines When the sun shines When the sun shines
Because when the sun shines I'm blinded
I'm blinded I'm blinded I'm blinded
I'm blinded
I'm blind
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
______________________
Took that translation from this site. Hope that's ok. I feel like writting....ok not this kind of writting.
I'm scribbling out some poetry now. Maybe I'll post it tommorow.
Ok so if I wrote lyrics, I'd write like Taro-chan...(minus the drug references)...that still doesn't make me Taro-chan...right?... I think I can start drawing out the chibis for my virtual jrocker petting zoo. It's gonna be fun. ^___^
The phone is ringing again. I wonder if anyone is home...I didn't bother to check. Maybe I should. Oh that's interesting...Rikki has a friend! *shock* ok inital shock is over, I seem to remember this "friend" comming here once....ok it's still shocking. *Shrug* Ok I'm done marveling over the fact that my brother has managed to find himself a friend. (I wonder if this kid follows the Ben theory... most likly.) Oh look I found my sunglasses!
Today is getting better.
Today I'm getting better.
"Hi ga sashitara Hi ga sashitara Hi ga sashitara
Boku no me ga tsubureru kara
Tsubueru kara Tsubueru kara Tsubueru kara
Tsubureta"
2002.08.28.
-Usagi and the Knights who say Ni-
Song of the Moment:
Rufus Wainwright <> "Hallelujah"
Well that was fun...Dani came to visit! ^__^ She "cleaned" my room. I enjoyed watching. *Sugoi*...she looked so intense. Arigato Dani-chan! Luckly I was able to refrain from laughing at the K-mart and natural soda song. Oh and I also have to thank you for getting rid of my headache. And she read me stuffs...les' see there was "Dracula", and the "Illiad", and "Dante's Inferno", and "1984", and "A Christmas Carol"....I think that was it, oh there was that one liner...what was it again? Of course these were the comedic "5 min" versions. My favorite character was Lord Goddamnitall.
Then she baught Monty Python and the Holy Grail on DVD. It kicked ass! there were the "Subtitles for People who Hated the Movie" written by William Shakespear. (SHAKESPEAR IS WRONG, No Tobi...no...) And then there was parts of the movie dubbed in Japanese then translated back into english subtitles. So it was all wrong. And the one guy was talking about how he was being molested by the producer. And the directors were muttering about how no one knew they were married...
As for my dream...well last night I had a pretty bad one. I jolted awake and I was still so scared I was having trouble breathing....I really don't feel like sharing. It was just bad...Other then that, I remember blanking out when I got back to sleep. When I say blanking out, it's more of a state where I realize I'm dreaming and can't bring anything forth, so it's just kinda like all dark and nothingness. Then I tried attacking someone who had invaided my thoughts and pined me down in this pool. (This pool thing shows up alot...it's not a pool that you'd swim in, it's more like a fountain...a real creepy fountain and whenever it's in a dream I have, I always seem to be the one getting pushed in and held under while someone claims they're helping me. It's something like a babtism, but I never take to it, so it always ends up to be me struggling for air and kicking and screaming. Maybe one of these times someone will actually achieve doing whatever the hell they're trying to do and the damn thing will go away for good. But I doubt that,because I don't trust much of anyone in my dreams...I wouldn't even let Tobias do it, but I guess it was cause he was kinda frantic at the time and covered in blood...I just don't understand...but I'd like the drownding to stop please.) And then there was something about a piece of paper. I was told if I find it again I'd understand something from the dream (I forget what it was exactly right now) but I couldn't find it when I woke up so...
Other then that...hm...oh Dani and I are plotting out a music video or something. ^__^ and (gomen I just have to say it) P-CHAN! Teehee...
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"
2002.08.27.
-Fate in a Cookie?-
Song of the Moment:
Pierrot <> "AGITATOR"
"Resist those who try to predict and set your fate"
":) Give fate a gentle nudge :)"
They both came in the same fortune cookie...Do you think it's trying to say something...but what?....insane cookie, whip that perverted smile off you lil white paper strip thing!
Why do people keep calling me Taro-chan...if I were Taro-chan, I'd have to be Taro-chan - the drugs, but I'm not...I swear...am I that insane?
Last night I dreamed I went through this portal and ended up in Hawaii of the future. I've never been to Hawaii, but it wasn't all futuristic...just creepy. Anyway, I was looking for an unrelated "relative" of mine, and I ended up finding a lil mermaid boy. The people were all pissed at him for some reason, they kept saying he couldn't turn his skin gold, so he did it to prove them wrong. Then he asked me to take him back to where I came from so I decided I would, but we ended up in the 60's instead, in a lil shack where Gackt was planning to give a concert (ah the unchanging ever beautiful Gackt...). Unfortunatly the concert was cancled when we locked ourselves in and no one else could get in, then we tampered with the mesh windows trying to use them to portal our way back to where we belonged. But once again that didn't work...we ended up in a GoodWill store, where I lost the lil mermaid boy (he was freaking me out anyway...all those creepy powers...) and found a desk I wanted. But it was $140.68. Then I turned away and when I looked back there was this guy sitting on top of the desk and being all creepy. "Are you Kali?" he asked. A question which imediatly earned him a slap in the face, seeing as how I only let certain people call me by that name. He just laughed, then dissappeared. Some how I made it back to the beach, where I found Tobias standing on the other end, his back to me, watching the water wash away the sand. I ran to him and just as I reached him...
*BRRRRIIIINNNNGGGGUUU*
The phone rang...but it was ok cause it was Dani calling. We'll just have to catch up with Tobias later...
"Kowai kurai kanjiteru yo, genkai o katerunda
dakara hikisaichatte sugao kakusu vonte-ji"
2002.08.26.
-Mata Mata *BRRIINNGGU*-
Song of the Moment:
Dir En Grey <> "Embryo"
It's 8:55 PM! Melissa was freaking about a cicada, that was in her dorm room. They're annoying lil bastards they are...but they always remind me of "Nukugara" <- Love that song soo much! ^__^. Today was boring...I tried to sleep it off (creeping depression) but the phone has been ringing off the hook! Sadly not a single call was for me...I hate the phone though. Things Kali associates with the phone:
- REJECTION Y.Y
- Liars
- Stalkers/Invaison of Privacy
- Bad News
It's a long story actually....yeah,I don't really care to go back down memory lane right now. And the phone is rining again...that's the thrid time in the last 1/2 hour...what the hell is up with the phone today?
I do like when people come visit though, even when they weren't invited ^__^ it's nice.
Anyway...I had a dream that I was baking cookies for someone I really like. (NOTE: To those of you who don't know, Kali can't cook worth crap!) I dropped the bowl and it shattered and the dough was a big blobish mess on the floor filled with shards of glass. And I stood there over it and cried. Dropping to my knees I let the glass peirce through my skin till I was bleeding from my hands and knees, then I pressed my hands to my face and continued to mummble "Doshite? Doshite?" Soon after that I was shocked to find a pair of arm wrapped around me. "Sh...don't cry any more Kali..." a soft voice, and the sent of chamomile. They placed their head on my shoulder and persisted to inspect the damage to my hands. Silent tears ran down my cheeks. "Why do you always do this to yourself Kali?" I looked away, unable to answer. "This...for you...I...for you..." and with those words I went into another fit of tears. I sunk back into their arms and and continued to cry, comforted by the warmth of their embrace.
I woke up before the dream could end, but it seemed so real.I realy wish I could tell this person how I feel...then Tobias might stop bugging me about it. But I've never been good with those kinds of things. I guess affection has always been forced for me. I was never really the one giving. I guess I'd just get scared. I have a good reason though I guess. But enough of this serious chit chat...
"Without a Face aegu koe
Without a Face hizumu koe"
2002.08.25.
-And the Fog Rolls in-
Song of the Moment:
Plastic Tree <> "Wareta Mado"
Well, what can I say? Today, like just about every other day, did not go as planned. I have a right mind to stop planning out anything. Lets just all live spontaniously,ne?
I worked this morning, 5:15 AM....what an awful time of day. I get dropped off at some park 'n ride in the wee hours of the morning to get into a van full of people and take a 30+ minute drive down to a grocery store, where I proceed for the next couple of hours to push buttons on a calculator while staring off into space. Granted I'm not as good as zoning while I work as my friend Dani-chan, but I'm still only a trainee. Anyway, Dani wasn't at work today, she overslept ¬.¬ ...At first I was worried about her, worry which was in no way put to rest when I got in the empty van and the words "Only the good die young" was blarring out of the speakers. I can be kinda paranoid at five in the morning ^_^;. But there is one good thing about the morning, the fog! I love fog, it's my favorite kind of weather. I spent the whole ride staring out the window watching it drift and rise. It disappeared just as the moon gave way to sunlight (evil bastard sun) but it was fun while it lasted. I like rain too,especially walking in it, but not when it's thundering and lightning. Anyway...
This is my new blog thing, you like? That's Ryutaro,lead singer of Plastic Tree there to your left. The lyrics are from their song "Wareta Mado" or "Broken Window". I just thought the picture and the lyrics were suitable for a page about my crazy insane thoughts and dreams. I like this layout bunches ^___^. It will probably be around for quite some while.
I slept alot today, and I'm still tired...go figure. Last night my head was swimming. I was so dizzy, and my body felt like a brick. I didn't get much sleep at all. I have this tendancy to throw the alarm clock around though. It always ends up somewhere across the room. Which is fine...it's evil anyway. I can't remember dreaming much, cept for thinking I was at work, and then thinking I was doing my laundry. The rest of my sleep was just more like a continous stream of thoughts and actions. Lately it's been hard to tell whether or not I was dreaming. I'll wake up thinking I have something, or I did something because I dreamed it as if it had taken place. It's real freaky, but I guess you'll soon come to find that alot of my dreams are that way. Ne, Tobi-chan? ^__^.
"Zutto zutto zutto..."
All content is copywrite it's respective owners.
Layout by Kali